In My Dreams
by MissAryka
Summary: Takes place season 5 after Riley's departure. Mostly AU, lots of Spuffy lovin!
1. Worthless

Summary: Takes place season 5 after Riley's departure. Mostly A/U, lots of Spuffy lovin'!

With Buffy still in shambles after Riley's rash decision of going back to the initutive, she is not at peace, even in her dreams she wakes up crying. Willow brings it upon herself to cast a spell giving her total happiness in her dreams, because as we know, reality is an imperfect place. What Willow didn't count on is Buffy's subconcious not wanting to wake up, leaving the slayer in a slumber of sheer bliss. What will happen when the scoobies try to right Willow's wrong? How will Buffy react to having to depart with the man she loves? Again.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or it's characters...Although I would take Spike -D So big scary companies: Please do not sue me, for I have no money.

A/N: Okay everyone, bear with me, this is my first fic! I'm also looking for a Beta, someone to help me out and whatnot. So if you're interested, please email me at love reviews!

Also, I can't do italics, so thoughts will be put in brackets such as:  
blah blah blah

I will also be adding in background music, the lyrics will be stated with this

theres a chair in my head...

At the end of the chapter I will tell you what the song is and who it's by!

One more thing, the Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer moments WILL be shorter, just a recap of the last chapter, couple of sentances. I'm just adding this in so people who aren't like me and pretty much memorize all the episodes know exactly where we are and whatnot.

BORROWED TEXT AND IDEAS FROM BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER EPISODE 89 "TRIANGLE"

Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Buffy crouched next to the dying monk, waves of sympathy washed over her. She furrowed her brows, trying with all her might to understand his cryptic words.  
"We had to hide the key" He spoke with a raspy voice. "... made it human and sent it to you."  
Buffy's eyes grew wide with the realization. "Dawn." She said softly. The monk nodded. Buffy watched as the monk's chest rose up slightly, growing with his last wavery breath, she didn't hear him exhale, but saw as his body decended down. She moved her hand over his eyelids and closed them. Dawn isn't my sister? She asked herself.

Riley grunted as the female vampires teeth sunk into the skin on his wrist.

"Buffy's like nobody else in the world. But she doesn't love me." Riley stated with a wavery smile.

Spike kissing Buffy.  
"Buffy, I love you." Spike moaned out in need, hunger and despiration.  
Spike suddenly jumped up in his bed horrified.  
"Oh God, no."

Joyce in the CAT scan machine.  
"Your mother has ... a brain tumor." The doctor stated with no emotion in his voice.  
Buffy's eyes began to burn with the tears hiding behind them.

Buffy and Joyce hugged tightly in Joyces hospital room. "Mommy." She cried.  
Dawn and Buffy stood back, waving goodbye to their mother, who was sitting in a wheelchair, being taken into surgery. Joyce had a strong smile plastered on her face. When she was out of sight, Dawn threw her head into Buffy's stomach, her tears matted Buffy's shirt against her skin. "Shh Dawnie. Moms going to be alright." She whispered, petting her sister's head, all the while she never took her eyes off the door her mother exited.

Buffy stood as the doctor strolled out. "Okay, your mom's in recovery." He threw a smile.  
Buffy nodded. "Is she all right?" She asked nervously.  
The doctor nodded. "I think your mother's gonna be fine." He said, patting her on the back.  
Buffy and the scoobs smiled and hugged one another.

Spike held his hand around the small of the slayer's back. "I wanna show you something." Buffy was reluctant to enter the dark room, fear for what he might do, or show her. It was until she heard Riley's deep voice did she enter.  
"Harder." He said gruffly  
Riley was sitting on a bed with a vampire latched onto his arm, his head was thrown back in a strange kind of extacy. Buffy walked in alone, Spike stayed back out of respect for Buffy. Bleedin' ponce. Spike thought to himself. Doesn't deserve her. Buffy stared at Riley, her once suspicious expression now masked with one of horror. She gasped.  
Riley's head jerked up, his face fell, shame filled his entire body. "Buffy." He whispered as she ran out of the room.

Buffy paced her dorm, tears staining her cheeks. Even with the mascara smearing, Riley still looked at her and saw the most beautiful person in the world. She was his future. WAS. Riley exaggerated the word in his head, sighing inwardly. His eyes fell towards the ground, suddenly interested in his shoes. He couldn't look at his beauty, not with all his shame.  
Buffy pressed the palm of her hand to her forehead. She sniffed back a few tears and her hand returned to her side. "I've given you everything that I have, my heart, my body and soul!" Her words choked him, Rileys tears were nearly catching up to him.  
He opened his mouth then shut it. After a moment, he spoke the truth. "I just don't feel it." Buffy looked at Riley with disgust. How could he not? After all we've been through? She was feeling almost the same as she did with Parker. But deep in Buffy's soul she knew they would get through this. "They want me back, Buffy. The military." All of Buffy's hopes shattered.

"I'm leaving tonight."

Riley looked down as Sunnydale was getting smaller and smaller. Buffy didn't come. He didn't blame her. He didn't notice the small blonde looking up, screaming at him.

Buffy was too late, she watched as the helicopter was in mid air, tears streaming down her face. "RILEY!" She screamed. But he was gone

Xander walked towards Anya, who was shining beautifully in a simple night gown. His heart beat rapidly as he stood over her, staring at her for a moment, lingering at his ex demon who was sitting on her bed, looking up nervously.

"I've gotta say something... 'Cause ... I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do ... the way you think ... the way you move ... I get excited every time I'm about to see you."

Xander grabbed her hands and pulled her up so he could stare into her eyes. Anya was fighting back tears of joy. "You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life. Like a man." Xander paused for a moment, shruging uneasily, completely unaware of what she was thinking, what she was going to say, how she was going to react. "I just thought you might wanna know." Anya threw back a watery smile and kissed him gently. Xander understood, she loved him back.

Buffy descended up the Summers' stairs, unable to make it all the way. Unable to hold back the tears. The slayer sat and sobbed. Yeah, real strong slayer.

Ch1- Worthless

The sun shone brightly as birds chirped. The Slayer looked up at the beautiful apple trees and closed her eyes, inhaling the sweet scent of roses and honeysuckle that surrounded her. Buffy looked up, hearing a noise, her lips curved up into a smile as her dad walked towards her, followed by Giles. It was strange to see the two together, her two fathers. She had so much love for the both of them. She felt strong arms wrap around her shoulders, peering up and giggling Angels face stood centimeters away as he gave her an eskimo kiss, rubbing their noses delicately together. Buffy bit her bottom lip when Riley stepped up.

"Don't hog our girl Angel." He smiled. Buffy ran up and jumped into his arms. The ex soldier swung her around and carried her to a swing set covered in daisies. Another giggle passed through her body. Pure happiness. As she swung higher and higher she saw a tall man walking forward. It was Spike. The bright blue shirt he wore only matched the brilliance in his eyes. To her, it didn't seem strange at all to have all these men surround her, adoring her. Even Spike. Buffy leaned back in the swing, letting the breeze flow through her hair.

A flash brightened the already blinding sky. The birds chirpped even louder and flew around the girl. Suddenly, this was too much for the Slayer. A robin flew by, it's form blurred by it's speed. The robin was aimed directly for Buffy's head. Rain began to pour down as the bird smacked her square in the forhead. Buffy fell for what felt like an eternity. She layed down on the muddy grass, curled into a ball, covering her ears from all the noise that was around her. Looking up, she saw her men looking down at her, smiling. As soon as the noise had errupted, there was silence. Buffy stood, her once white dress clung to her body, pressed down with mud. Her hair was ratty and had dirt and grass stuck deep within the golden ringlets. Hank and Giles nodded to eachother and snuck behind Angel and Spike, out of their coat jackets, they each pulled out a long wooden stake. "NO!" She screamed, trying to run towards the vampires, but she tripped and instantly was stuck in the mud, having to watch. Buffy cringed as the smiles turned to shock, and then to dust. Roars came from within Spike and his grandsires chests.

Riley lunged at Hank first, jumping on the older man, and without delay, snapped his neck with ease. There was only Giles and Riley left, while Buffy was paralyzed in the glue like substance. Forced to do nothing but watch the scene unfold. Giles took a swing at Riley, which the soldier expertley blocked. Riley jumped behind the Watcher, wrapping his arm tightly around the latters neck, squeasing with all his might. Giles locked eyes with Buffy, sadness washed over her. She couldn't bring herself to cry. Riley knew when Giles had taken his last gasp for air, the struggling had lessened then all together stopped abruptly.

Riley sauntered over to Buffy, slinging her over his shoulder. Buffy clawed and screamed at his back, but to no avail. She was helpless. Riley walked through the tall rose bushes, leaving Buffy to be cut by the thorns. It was then she saw the cliff. It was then she felt herself falling.

Buffy landed with a hard THUNK! She was surrounded by water. The slayer thrashed her arms about like a mad woman, trying to reach the top of her watery grave. When Buffy reached the surface, she hit her head on the top. Glass. She thought. Someone covered the water with glass! She looked up and saw her friends standing above her...watching. Buffy drew in a panicked breath, as the water entered her lungs, she slowly drifted towards the bottom. All she could see was darkness.

She felt the scene change again, Buffy inhaled deeply, catching dirt in her mouth. She looked around but saw nothing. The slayer tried to reach her hands up but they were stopped by a heavy piece of wood. She clawed and screamed and pounded until the wood finally decided to give in. Her legs worked rapidly as she kicked in the bottom part of the casket as well. Dirt invaded the grave and filled in her lungs. She had to keep moving, keep climbing, keep scratching. She felt the stickey wetness as her blood was seeping from the cuts in her knuckles. She heard Hanks voice: "You're nothing Buffy."  
It was followed by Angel's "Nothing." Buffy shuddered and tears dripped down her cheeks, but she continued to climb, letting nothing keep her from making it to the top. "You're nothing to me." She heard Riley in the back of her mind. Buffy let out a gut wrenching scream as she punched her hand up through the dirt, feeling the air sting her skin. Ice washed over her hand as she felt pressure, another hand squeasing hers? Her thoughts were confirmed as she rose up out of her grave. As soon as the slayer's eyes adjusted, she realized she was face to face with Spike. "I"m here for you pet." He murmured.

Buffy jumped up, her heart pounding, she was drenched in a cold sweat. She lowered herself back onto her pillow and sobbed.

Anya's Apartment-

Xander's eyes slowly fluddered open, he felt the pinpricks in his arm, Ahn must have slept on it all night. He thought wearily. He exhaled heavily to somewhat wake himself up. When his eyes fully opened, it was to his surprise that Anya was already staring into them. Xander smiled. "Mornin'" He said drowsily. Xander slowly inched his arm out from under his girlfriend and sat up, rubbing his tired eyes. Stupid research. He let out a long yawn. Xander's eyes slowly moved down to Anya's, who was looking at him quizzically. "What?" He asked.

"Nothing, just thinking." The ex demon said with a sideways smile, trying to hide her worry.

"Bout what?" Xander leaned his back against the headboard, banging his head lightly.

"Buffy." She said in an uncalled for perky tone. Xander's eyes grew dark with rememberance of the Slayer and how her lover had broken her heart. "I mean. How can she do it? Her life in a matter of saying-sucks." Xander's mind translated the words into something a bit less harsh: I feel sorry for Buffy, Riley is an ass. After being with Anya for a long while, he had learned to take what she said with a grain of salt, and feel what she meant.

"It's like this: Dad ditches. Learn your a slayer, watcher dies. Burn down school. Move to Sunnydale. Friends die. Slay. Meet Angel and fall in love. Whoops! He's a vampire, no sex for slayer! She dies, drowning in a puddle no less. Highly embarassing. Brought back to hell on earth." Anya paused, feeling a hint of slight remorse as she saw Xander's eyes close for a moment. Xander had saved Buffy. Not like it was a bad thing. But who would wanna come back to earth? "Buffy forgets no sex rule, she slips, turning Angel into the big bad. He tortures her father substitute, he kills father substitutes one true love. Kill Angel. Slay. Riley comes and she's happy for a while at least. Riley runs for the hills at the sight of her being so superior. I mean it's surprising to me that I didn't get called to her when I was a vengence demon!"

Xander ran his thick fingers through Anya's soft blonde hair. "She'll get through it, she's strong." He said, sure of himself, sure of his best friend.

"I've seen it a lot." Anya's brows furrowed together in worry. "It's not all happily ever after and kisses. And her case is worse then most I've witnessed." She paused for a moment, looking away. "I couldn't do it." Her eyes started to water at the thought of losing Xander. She bit her bottom lip to keep from quivering. Damn mortal emotions. Xander gently grabbed Anya by the chin and tilted her head towards him. He gave her a soft kiss, hoping to wash her fears away. He moved his head so he was cheek to cheek with his girlfriend. "I love you." He whispered into her ear.

Anya smiled and kissed his cheek. She pulled back slowly and grabbed Xander's hand, playing with his fingers. "If you ever decide to go, I want a warning." She paused for a moment, thinking. "You know, big flashing red lights, and-and-and one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie? And there's a whole bunch of, of colored wires, and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one, and then at the last second "No! The red one!" and then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left...but then you don't leave." Anya searched his eyes. "Like that, okay?"

Xander couldn't help but smile at his beauty. She was so worried about him leaving when she didn't even realize that without her, there is no other life. "Check. Big bomb clock." Anya smiled and nestled her head into his shoulder.

"I think, subconciously, Buffy meant to screw up her relationships." Xander looked down at Anya, confused.

"Why would someone want that much pain?" He asked her.

"It's not that she wants the pain. But she's not happy. She doesn't feel anything. Yeah she laughs and smiles, and sometimes is all with the giggles. But the Slayer's road is one to be traveled alone in her mind." Xander leaned back, letting her words seep in. "She wants passion, fire, someone that can keep up with her. Maybe she already found that someone. Maybe her heart is tired of being tossed back and forth. She wants something that she isn't supposed to have, to go against the rules. She doesn't want a safe haven." Anya leaned back and smiled. "Maybe she wants someone immortal."

Xander rolled his eyes, at first she was making sense, which really gave him the wiggins. "Angel was immortal."

"Yeah but he had the cursed thing goin for him. Which equaled no sex. You can't have a relationship without mounds and mounds of plentiful orgasms." Anya stated mater of factly. Xander just leaned back and chuckled, washing away his worries for his best friend. Focusing on his companion.

The Magic Box; Training Room-

Buffy swung at the red mittens that slightly padded her Watcher's hand. He let out a slight 'oof!' and Buffy swung again. Buffy's dream invaded her mind. Nothing She swung a right punch into the mitten, the impact stung her fist. Giles let out a sharp hiss. Buffy had once again forgot her slayer strength. You're nothing to me Buffy's eyes burned with threatening tears. She swung a backhand at Giles' left mitten. As she cocked her fist back, readying herself for another blow, Giles squeased his eyes shut tightly. I'm here for you, pet Spike's words echoed through her head and the slayer missed her target, landing a solid punch to Giles' shoulder. Giles let out a yelp from the back of his throat.

"Ow!" Giles cried out.

"Sorry! Sorry." She held her hands up, eyes wide as if she were a child who broke her mothers favorite vase. They stood for a moment in silence, as Giles massaged his injured shoulder.

"So, Glory's all you're gonna talk to them about, right?" Buffy's voice broke the lapse, reffering to the meeting with the council.

Giles nodded and turned. "Let's, let's take a break." He said quietly, taking off his mitts.

"Answer me." Buffy demanded.

Giles wandered over to the desk and grabbed an aquafina, then sat on the wooden bench next to it, he looked up at Buffy. It was amazing how much she had grown up in so little time. It pained him at the same time all she had to deal with. Giles wish he could take the pain off of her shoulders. Although my shoulder is in rather excruciating pain at the moment. He mentally noted. "I, I'm not gonna mention Dawn's name. I wouldn't do that," He looked down at his slayer in adoration. So worried. So burdened. "I promise."

Buffy paced the ground a few times before standing and looking down. "But you're gonna tell them about the key? That Glory's looking for something called the key?"

Giles nodded slowly. "Well, knowing her goal is, is crucial. I mean, i-i-if anything helps them uncover her origins, her, her plans... "

Buffy sighed and massaged her temples before sitting down next to her Wathcer. "I know. It's just I trust these Watchers about as far as ... you could throw them." Smiling slighly at her joke.

Giles pretended to be hurt. "Thank you very much".

Buffy sighed and grunted. Soon she once again stood.

"I'm just freaked about the idea of giving them any information that could possibly lead them to Dawn." Buffy wandered over to the punching bag and gave it a back kick and a series of punches, jabs and more kicks.

Giles spoke slowly, trying to chose the right words.

"Truly, Buffy, if I saw an alternative ... if, if the Initiative were still around..." Buffy stopped punching and held the bag still.

"I'd consider using them," Giles continued. "but... they're gone, and then Riley was, was, uh, the last linkwe had to the government."

Buffy scratched her head and turned her back towards Giles so she could swallow down her tears. The slayer sauntered towards the bench and sat down once more.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to..." Giles started.

Buffy gave a half smile. "It's okay. You can say his name. I'm doing all right." The young blonde said pensivly.

"These things happen. People break up and they move on ... for a while it feels like the end of the world, you know, but ... big picture... " She looked off into the wall, as if seeing through it.

Giles smiled and nodded in understanding. "Not so huge."

Buffy looked at her watcher in mock disbelief.

"Not so huge? I just said it feels like the end of the world, don't you listen? "

Giles flashed a look of dismay. Bloody imbicile to think I had any understanding of what a TEENAGE GIRL was thinking Buffy leaned into him.

"I'm teasing." She whispered.

Giles gave a relieved smile. "Oh."

Buffy shrugged. "Well, sort of. I'll be okay."

Giles looked up at his slayer, his daughter as though it seemed. "Well, I do hate to go if you're feeling badly."

Buffy gave him an 'Oh please' look before rolling her eyes and smiling. "look, if it help you find out something about Glory, I'm thrilled to have you gone." She said, patting him on the back. Giles jerked as he was reminded of the blaring pain in his shoulder.

He turned towards Buffy. "Buffy, you can confide in me, I hope you know this."

All the blonde did was nod. "And it is okay to cry."

This time, she shook her head. "Can't. I have to be strong. For Dawn, for mom, for myself. I can't let anyone down."

Giles squinted his eyes. "A simple show of emotions isn't so rash as to let us down." He raised his hand to her shoulders, letting her lean in. To Buffy, Giles smelled of peppermints and old dusty books. And also to Buffy, it smelled like home. "Its just that...I don't know how I'm going to do this. I can't be alone forever." She looked into her watchers eyes, mist surrounded her emerald green. Just as the first tear dropped, Giles was there, sweeping it off of her golden skin. "And all of a sudden it's: Oh god, Dawn isn't my sister. But I have all these memories. I don't want her to find out Giles, She can't find out."

Giles nodded and held his daughter as she wept.

The Magic Box-

After Giles relayed the news to the Scoobies that he would be gone for precisely one week, until he had further information on Glory and The Key, the Box had a pulse of energy, and chatter filled the air. Most of the chatter came from Anya, who was planning her first move.

"Okay, count the money, greet the customers, castrate the shoplifters..." Anya rambled on.

Tara looked up, beaming. "I'm envious, Mr. Giles. A trip to England sounds so exciting and exotic." The witch paused for a moment. "Un...less you're English." Giles flashed her a grin and Willow squeased her partners hand.

"Look, don't worry about the shop. We'll take care of it. We can open and close, and, and we'll deal with everyone." Buffy said.

Anya's head shot up. "We?" She shouted. "I'm the one who works here. ME. You guys just steal stuff for your magic. And-and...read our books!"

Everyone held back there chuckles as Giles swept his glasses off of his face, cleaning them with his shirt. "Anya, you are a very loyal employee, and I trust you completely with the financial aspect of running the store...As for the customers, it seems you lack a certain finess for difficult situations."

Anya's eyes grew wide. "I have finess! I have finess out the as-" Xander's hand quickly covered her mouth without even looking up from his comic book. The ex demon shot him a dirty look.

"As it is, I would like to leave Willow in charge of customers and you in charge of the money." Giles said, putting his foot down.

Willow beamed a bright smile. "Don't worry, Giles. I'll help her take care of everything. It'll be ship-shape. Better, it'll be shop-shape." The red head said in a perky tone.

Anya scoffed and looked towards Xander for back up. "Xander, she's talking to Giles like I'm not here. Make her stop." She whined.

Buffy looked up at Giles. "So are we about done? I'd like to go home and check on Mom and Dawn." Giles looked at her and nodded. Buffy got up, gave him a short hug, minding his shoulder. "See you when you get back." She said sadly, forcing herself to rip away from her Watcher. And with that, Buffy said her goodbyes and walked out of the store, hearing the echos of Anya's complaints trailing her out the door.

Buffy's room-

Buffy sighed, staring at the celing. Emptiness filled her. She rolled onto her side and spotted the picture of her and Riley, outside of the school. She was sitting on his lap with his muscular arms wrapped around her. They were both smiling brightly. Buffy got up and took the picture out, ripping it up and throwing it in her trash can. She spun around to her vanity and spotted more pictures on her mirror. Reminding her of better days, of happiness, of love. Buffy walked over and ripped the pictures just as she had done the first, properly discarding them. It was only then she could feel some sort of rest.

She heard a slight tapping on her door. "Who is it?" Buffy called out. She had just checked on Joyce who was laying in bed, sleeping soundly. Must be nice She had thought.

"It's me." Dawns voice came from the other side of the door. Buffy's heart melted at the sound of her sisters voice. Even though Dawn wasn't in fact her sister, she still felt the immense love for the pre teen. Her sister was alone too. The only one of her kind on this earth, and the sad fact was, Dawn didn't even know it.

"Whatcha doin?" The younger Summers asked brightly.

Buffy rolled her eyes and smiled a little. "Playing soccer."  
A moment passed before she heard the voice again.

"Can I come in?" She waited for the go ahead before gaining entry.

Dawn looked around the room quietly. "You took down his pictures." She noted.

"Yeah." Buffy said, head nodding towards the trashcan. Dawn jumped on her bed and grew excited.

" I ... I think I would've done that sooner. Like, boom! "Don't wanna see that face again." "

Buffy let out a small chuckle. "It wasn't like that. I was never angry with him." She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Okay, that's a lie.But it's not like I don't want to see his face."

Dawn nodded. " I was just starting to kinda like the guy, and then ... gone. So fast." Dawn didn't know how to react, she just seemed bewhildered. Why would Riley do it?

Buffy put her hand on her sisters leg. "It wasn't really so fast. Him leaving. According to everyone who isn't me, it was kind of gradual."

"Oh. Does that make it any better?"

Buffy sighed. "No. Almost worse, if thats possible."

Dawn raised her eyebrows. "Because you should have noticed earlier?" She questioned.

Buffy tossed a throw pillow at her sister. "Stop being insightful. It's creepy." She said, trying to lighten the mood. But deep down she knew that Dawn wanted answers. She wanted to know how her sister felt. " It hurts. In all kinds of horrible ways. In the way where I'm furious at him ... in the way where I blame myself ... and all the little ways I imagine ... how I could have fixed things." Once again, she swallowed tears. Her voice felt rough, like there was glass lodged in the back of it.

"It'll get better." Dawn said, almost as a question. She frowned slightly, hating to see her sister in this much pain. "Won't it?"

"I don't know." Was all that Buffy said before looking out of her window. The sun was now down and Buffy felt the urge to fight. "I gotta go. You know, the slay thing." She kissed her sister gingerly on the cheek and walked out.

Summers' House-

Willow knocked once before peeping in the door. "Dawnie?" She called out. A stack of papers were in her hands, she fumbled to keep them from falling. Dawn ran down the stairs. "Hey Willow." She said.

"Hey Dawn, just thought I'd drop off some of Buffy's homework. It's impressive how hard you have to press to get college teachers to let you make up homework. For any reason." She smiled and walked into the kitchen and set the papers down while Dawn followed. "Is Buffy here?"

Dawn shook her head. "Doing the slay thing." Willow smiled and started towards the door.

"Is she going to be alright?" Dawn called out, linking her fingers together. "Buffy, I mean. Will she be okay."

Willow walked back over to the girl and hugged her tightly. "Yeah Dawnie, in time."

Spike paced his crypt back and forth tightly clutching a box of chocolates. Okay, not that hard, just chin up mate, say what you have to say. He stood facing his target, then backed away. Bollocks! Damn bloody women! He stepped back up, calming himself. He was square with a mannequin that was lacking legs, set up on a black of stone to be just a few inches shorter then Spike himself. The mannequin was sporting a bright blue blouse and a blonde wig, a picture of Buffy taped on it's face.

Spike spoke softly. " Um ... there's something I got to tell you. About showing you Riley in that place." He inhaled a deep uneeded breath.

" I didn't mean to ... Anyway, I know you're feeling all betrayed - by him, not me." Spike quickly added. No way bloody bird should be brassed off at me.

"I was trying to help, you know." He spoke sweetly, honey dripping from his deep voice.

"Not like I made him be there, after all. Actually trying to help you. Best intentions."

Spike let out a deep growl. Damn poofter. He chided himself and walked into a dark corner.

" I mean, you know, pretty state you'd be in, thinking things are all right" Spike slowly swept back up towards his plastic Buffy. "while he's toddling halfway round the bend."

God, I know how that would end up

Don't you insult him! You're a souless evil nasty vampire! You have no right to insult captain cardboard!

Spike stared at Plastic Buffy, loathing filling his eyes. "Oh, I'll insult him if I want to!"

Bastard! The Buffy in his head spoke.

"I'm the one who's on your side! Me! Doing you a favor!" Spike's voice grew harsh. "

And you, being dead petty about it - me, getting nothing but your hatred and your venom and - you ungrateful bitch!"

It was then Spike lost all control of himself, smashing the box of chocolates over Plastic Buffy's head.

"Bloody Bitch!" He screamed.

Spike hit the mannequin with the chocolates again watching as it slowly falls over.

Angry with himself, Spike tosses the chocolates clear across the room.

It was then Spike imagined Buffy down on her knees crying.

With a broken sigh, Spike picked up the mannequin and replaced it. He carefully rearranged

the wig and let out another sighs. Picking up the box of chocolate, and trying to stuff the chocolates back

in, he composed himself and faced the mannequin again.

"Buffy ... " It came out almost as a whisper. "there's something I wanted to tell you..."

Willow took out her keys and opened the door to the dorm her and Buffy share. She slowly let the brown paper bag down on the floor as she reached for the light. With a soft click, the room was bright, revealing girly posters, two beds and a boom box. In the corner was a small desk, which Willow used more then Buffy. The young witch looked back at the paper bag and bit her lip. I shouldn't be messing with the magicks She told herself. Willow picked up the bag and set it on the desk, deciding against the dream spell. She layed on her bed and sighed, hating that Tara had to study all night. Of course Willow had offered to help but Tara was right in saying there would be no studying done if Willow was there.

God. She's all alone. Willow thought about how she felt that with Tara. Buffy used to feel that happy as well...But it's all gone now. She got up and sauntered towards the desk, accidentally kicking one of the legs of Buffy's bed. Willow turned around when she heard a soft thump and stuck her head underneath, lifting up the sheets. On the ground lay a black journal, white stickers spelled out the name Buffy. Willow reached out and grabbed it, clutching it to her chest.

This is so an invasion of privacy She scolded herself. But immature Willow was the one to open the bookmarked page.

"I remember when things were easy. All I had to worry about was making homecoming court.

I remember sitting on my windowsill staring out the window...Knowing there was something

for me out there...something bigger. God I didn't know how right I was, much to my

misfortune. I didn't know how I could take it when I had to kill Angel. When I did

something inside of myself died that night too. I only felt whole again when I was with

Riley. Maybe if I had tried harder, slacked on my slayer duties...maybe if I let him

beat me once and a while when we sparred. I feel like I'm drowning. I'm in a big swimming

pool, drowning, and everyone is just standing back watching. Maybe because no one else can

swim, or maybe because they want to see how long the slayer can hold her breath. Maybe

they're just tired of seeing her struggle to get to the top. I don't know how long

I can do this. Live this life alone. Now with my mom out of the hospital I have to

go take care of her and Dawnie. I have to take care of everyone, be strong, be brave. You can

do it Buffy. Why does the slayer automatically mean I have to bounce back immediately from

everything life thros my way. I'm tired. I'm tired and alone and with all these duties.

I have to hold back my tears until I'm alone in the dark, because that's where I belong.

I wish I was the one with the cancer. I wish mom had a full life. I wish Dawn was actually

my sister. I wish I felt a hairs width of peace. But I don't. Not even in my dreams. I

dream about him, constantly. Him, dad, Angel, Giles, Xander. God even Spike. Every man

that has ever made an impact on my life. Every one of them running for the hills at the

site of me. THen I find myself digging out of a grave. I always wake up crying. I wonder

why Will never hears it."

Willow shut the book, a cold chill ran up her spine. Willow knew what she had to do. She started towards her paper bag.

I'm going to fix this...

The Cemetary-

Buffy twirled around with a slayer like elegance, striking the fledgling with the heel of her boot. She fought with him for a bit longer, throwing punches, ducking, rolling before finally tiring of the game and staking him through the heart. The Slayer wiped the dust off of her leather jacket and walked aimlessly, fighting off tears.

I know what you came for

And I know when you'll leave

You came for my heart

And it's lost to me

Spike watched from the darkness as his beauty danced with the vampire. With one swift move she forced the stake through it's heart. Spike's eyes filled with pride. It was when she started walking around alone, he noticed her looking up towards the moon, tears glistening, threatening to pour. Buffy hugged herself tightly and Spike could do nothing but watch from afar. He would give anything to be able to reach out and touch her, let her know everything was going to be alright. Her sadness wracked his entire being.

For I won't stop you

I will open my door

My heart is here waiting

I don't need it no more

Buffy walked a for a while longer until finding her feet unwilling to comply. She sat on a gravestone, putting her head in her hands, she sobbed.

I know why you're leaving

And I'll just let it be

I am left with nothing

And now you're lost to me

For I can't stop you

I will open my door

My heart is here waiting

I don't need it no more

Spike walked up slowly, unsure of himself. When Buffy heard something nearby her head immediately snapped up. The look of sadness portrayed on Buffy's face about killed the vampire. She looked confused, and Spike took another couple of steps before kneeling before his slayer. Spike cautiously put his hand on Buffy's shoulder. Buffy didn't even think, all that came from her was more sobbing.

I know why you're waiting

Give me time breathe

Before you take my heart now

And just get up and leave

For I won't stop you

I will open my door

My heart is here waiting

I don't need it no more

Spike combed his fingers through the slayer's hair, hushing her cries. "I'm here for you pet." He whispered softly.

Buffy looked up, broken from her trance by deja vu. She stood up immediately, tossing Spike to the ground. Buffy backed away slowly, still a look of confusion plastered her face. Spike did nothing but lay in the dirt. Finally, Buffy turned and ran home. Spike slowly sat up and pulled out a ciggarette. "Bollocks." He muttered, taking a long drag.

Willow double checks the ingredients for her spell. Buffy's spell

She surrounded herself with white candles for purification of the mind and opening the dream up to all senses/emotions.

Willow called out the ingredients as she put them into the mortar. "Fleabane... Salamander eyes... Bindweed. Wormwood, cinnamon, mandrake, quassia chips, mistletoe, vervain, verbena, and rose." She grabbed a long pestle and mashed the ingredients together. The smell was overpowering, it smelled of rainy days, spring and death all mixed into one. The witch poured the mixture into the cauldron. She placed Buffies journal next to her along with a long stemmed red rose.

Then she closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath. Willow lifted her hands to the skies.

"East I call to you,

High above the trees

Gliding on a soft breeze

Eagle come to me."

A breeze floated through the room, banging the blinds against the window. Willow struggled to keep her eyes closed. The chill in the room was almost to cold to bear. She felt goosebumps rising.

"South I call to you,

Burning within me

Running through the jungle

Panther come to me."

The flames on the red candles grew as Willows palms begin to sweat, she felt the temperature

rising in her body, heat surrounding her. She felt as if she were on fire.

A small circlet of yellow-orange light arises out of the cauldron and began to spin.

"West I call to you,

Deep within the sea

Dancing with the waves

Dolphin come to me."

Above her, a dark gray shap swirled, until it made itself into a cloud, Willow felt raindrops lightly touching her, cooling

off the burning sensation.

The circle of light flashed brighter and grew a bit larger.

"North I call to you,

Underneath my feet

Howling at the full moon

Wolf come to me."

She felt the ground begin to shake, Willow squeazed her eyes shut tightly to keep

consintration.

"Goddess Eri I call you,

Everywhere I see

Joining in the circle

Goddess come to me."

Willow opened her eyes and shouted at the sky as the rain dampened her face.

"Spirits of light, grant my wishes!"

The circle of light grew bigger and brighter,

and its spinning became less smooth. Willow stepped back from the circle, afraid of what was next. It continued to grow and twist crazily. The circle of light suddenly dropped down onto it's side and toucheda large crystal that had been placed strategically next to it.It gave off a big flash of light and a beautiful goddess suddenly appears in the circle.

Eri smiled, a very sweet but sad goddess. Willow took in her beauty. She is tall with dark ringlets trailing down herback. Atop her head lay a crown of Orchids. "My child, why have you called me?" Eri asks the witch, looking down with sympathy.

Willow dispelled the story of the slayer and her lost love."She's not happy. Never at peace. I wish to let Buffy know perfect happiness in her dreams." Eri let a lone tear drop travel down her cheek

"I will help you child. I had a love once." She smiled at the memory. "His name was Izikial. I loved him more than anything on this earth. Though, soon it came is time, too soon in fact. He told me he wished to not become a god, he would leave this world exactly as he entered. Human. Though much to my protesting, nothing would change his mind." She paused and placed her olive hand on Willows chin, guiding her to stand to face her. "I will help you my darling." Eri grabbed Willow's hand and kissed her lightly on her freckled cheek.

"Though lovers lost, love shall not." Eri spoke. Willow picked up the Rose and the journal, so she can get a feel for the slayers pain.

Eri simply smiled and refused it. "I can sense her pain from here. It lingers even in the room." Eri placed her hand over the journal. As she closed her eyes, a blue light errupted from underneath her palm and coursed through the journal.

"It is my gift to you." She said.

"What is it for?" Willow asked. Eri just shook her head.

"Your heart will know when it's time. Keep it safe."

Eri sunk back into the bottle as Willow finished the spell.

"Carry this dream on wings of light-

Make my message heard tonight

By the flame and sky, the land and sea,

Heed my words and make it be."

The Summers House-

God how could she be so stupid. Letting Spike touch her? Comfort her? I am really pathetic Buffy slowly walked up her stairs and into her room, careful not to wake her family. She sunk into her bed without even disrobing. Her eyes fluttered shut. Buffy feared for what her dreams would bring her.

A/N: So how'd I do?

Please review!

And the song is Worthless, by Dido. I'll update soon!


	2. While I'm Dreaming

**Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer:**

_Buffy can feel her heart breaking. She feels it when she's awake, fighting, in her dreams. Willow has taken it upon herself to call upon the Goddess Eri to morph the Slayer's dreams into happy-Buffy time._

**Dream SunnydaleSummers' Home-**

Buffy awoke to the sweet smell of bacon and toast. She grumbled slightly looking at the clock, 8:42. _Damnit Dawn. And what's she doin' cooking? She's going to burn the house down_ Buffy rose slowly out of bed and descended down the stairs. 

. A deep voice singing entered her ears, she knew, the cooking was not being done by Dawnie.

_There will be other guys  
Who will whisper in your ear  
Say they'll take away you sadness  
And your fears_

_They may be kind and true  
They may be good for you  
But they'll never care for you  
More than I do_

_I'll be always there  
There to the end_

_I can't do much but be your one true friend_

Buffy entered the kitchen at the end of this stranger's beautiful song. The way his words made her insides burn, creating a dull ache in between her legs reminded her of Odysseus and the Sirens. Buffy had to stiffle back laughter at seeing a certain bleached blond vampire slaving over a hot stove, wearing nothing but his tight black jeans and her dad's old 'kiss the cook' apron. Her expressions immediatly grew serious as she saw the sun touch down on Spike's face. Buffy cringed as a sizzling noise stung her ears. She didn't know why she did it but soon Buffy caught herself jumping on Spike, slamming him on the ground, strattling him, but saving him from the sunlight.

Spike looked up, dazed. "Well good morning." He sucked his cheeks in and gave a glorious smile. Buffy felt a familiar tingle between her legs.

"Spike what are you doing?" Buffy demanded.

"Uhm...making breakfast for you and the 'bit." He gave her a sort of 'duh' look before sitting up as far as her body would allow, resting himself on his forarms.

"What are you doing in the sun? What are you doing here?" Questions blazed through her mind. _God, gotta check on mom._

Spike looked confused. "Well I know I'm a bit pale, but nothing a spot of tanning wont do. Not like I'm going to burn. And I seem to remember a certain girl asking me to stay while her mom was on a months long vacation in the tropics."

Buffy looked bewhildered. _Tropics? Mom's in the tropics _Buffy sighed at her realization. _God Willow, what did you do now? Always trying to fix things with the magics._ "So...You're not a vampire?"

Spike raised a scarred eyebrow. "Last time I checked. Wanna let me up? Bacon's burning."

Buffy remembered her position on Spike, then slowly rolled off of him. As Spike stood and tended to the breakfast, Buffy remained on the ground, staring up at human version of Spike. Not much different. Still pale and everything. Sun's deffinantly not his best friend.

Buffy heard footsteps into the kitchen. Dawn looked down at her, furrowing her brows together. "Not like I have enough trouble with thinking your weird with the whole Slayer gig...But lounging on the floor when there are perfectly good chairs just is a little strange...even in your book." She added.

Buffy inwardly nodded. _Okay, still the Slayer._

Spike growled. "Be nice to your sister Nibblet. Had a long night of Slaying."

Buffy's head was spinning, Spike standing up for her, not so big of a deal. At least he wasn't following her like some love struck puppy dog...again. "I-I'm going back to bed, tired." She faked a yawn. Hopefully she would be back in normal Sunnydale by the time she woke up.

**Regular Sunnydale Summers' Home**

Willow walked into the Summers' home. "Hello?" she called out. No answer. It was nearly 1 in the afternoon, Dawn was at school and Joyce was in bed, she had a follow up at the hospital at 2:30. When Willow didn't get a call from Buffy, just to check in as she normally did, or even to thank her for the homework, she grew worried.

"Buffy?" The Witch called out as she walked up the stairs. "You there?"

"Willow?" A voice called out. It wasn't Buffy's, it lacked a certain faux chipperness, this one was clearly in physical pain.

"Yeah, Joyce" Willow could feel her vibes all the way down the hall. "Just a sec, I'm going to check on Buffy."

Willow entered the first door on the right, Buffy's room. To her surprise, Buffy was curled up into a ball, not under covers and still clothed. Willow sighed at the sight of the worn out Slayer and pulled out her yummy sushi pajamas. Willow walked towards her, pulling off Buffy's shoes and placing them neatly next to the bed. Next came the pants followed by her top. After Buffy was dressed, Willow was shocked that she hadn't woken yet. She had quite a time trying to disrobe the Slayer and accidentally jerked her around a few times.

Willow left Buffy's room after tucking her under the covers. i Better let her sleep /i She crossed the hallway and entered Joyce's room. The curtains were pulled, blacking out the light of day. When Willow's eyes met with the poor mothers, sympathy filled the Wiccans body. _Goddess, why Joyce? One of the best people I know_ "Hey Joyce, go back to sleep. I'm taking you to the doctor today."

Joyce jumped up, leaning her back against the wall. Fury struck her eyes. "Back off Witch. Why the hell would I want a dyke to take me anywhere?" She shouted. When Willow advanced to calm Joyce, the latter screamed. "Stay back bitch! Get the hell away from me!" Soon Joyce nestled herself back into bed and slept.

_This must be one of those physcotic episodes Buffy was warning me about._ Willow thought, sighing. She had never heard Joyce use one swear word in all the time she had known the Summers family. Now it was like she belonged in a movie on HBO. Willow silently exited the room, making her way downstairs to watch a little T.V.

**Dream SunnydaleSummers' Home**

_Tap, tap, tap_

Buffy could feel a strange pressure on the tip of her nose, waking her with a jolt out of a somber sleep. Buffy's eyes opened slowly, only to see Xander hovering above her, his thick fingers inches from her face. "Wakey wakey Mrs. Rip Van Winkle." Xander's bright brown eyes laughing in her own emerald.

"No, need sleepy." Buffy retorted, burying her face in her pink pillow. It had the familiar smell of stale ciggarettes, musky cologne and leather.

"Don't make me resort to the tickling Buff. Time to get up." Xander crossed to the windows which was blocking out all light, he opened the velvet curtains, noting the darkness, he swept to her lamp and switched it on. "We're meeting Spike, Willow and Tara at the Bronze in about twenty..." Xander said with a nod, silently exiting, leaving the Slayer to do the girl thing.

"Why Spike?" Buffy said through the door as she was changing. Part of her words were in disgust, the other half curiosity.

Xander had apparently been waiting in the hall. He wasted no time in his answer. "Seeing as how he lives with you, and you both kinda dig eachother."

Buffy immediately stopped dead in her tracks, her arms fully out of her shirt, but it was still trailing around her neck. "Dig? There is no diggage. Absolutely not."

Xander raised a brow which remained unseen through the door. "Buff, I thought you were gunna test the waters with Spike?"

"Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt." She stated, grabbing some skirts out of her drawer and flinging them onto the bed. "I deffinantly dipped a toe into the water...and it's ice cold."

Xander shook his head and laughed. "Who you tryin' to convince, me or yourself?" Suddenly a peice of bright pink fluff slammed him in the side of the head before the sound of a door slamming echoed through his ears. After giving a slight 'Oof!' he laughed as he bent down to pick the pillow up._ Just what I thought_

**The Bronze**

Buffy slammed the car door, sulking as she waited for Xander in a sort of huffy impatience. _Stupid Best Friend. Trying to make me think. Uh uh. Not gunna happen. _Buffy internally shook her head.

"Buff, all I'm trying to say is, there's gotta be something between you two if it took you an hour and a half to pick out your outfit and another hour to do hair and makeup. Just to go Bronzing I might add." Xander said as he started towards the door.

"My wardrobe of choice has nothing to do with Capitain Peroxide." She said, wrapping her arms around her tiny body. The shimmers on her deep red halter sparkled in the moonlight. Her tight black pants and choker with a tiny cross on it gave her a midevil gothic look to her outfit. Yet her golden curls which had tumbled slightly passed her shoulders gave a certain angelic look to the whole ensamble.

Xander shook his head. "Uh huh, so that's why you're wearing an outfit that will ultimately trigger Spike's drool reflexes?"

"Just trying to attract the male persuasion."

"Just admit it Buff, that male persuasion includes a certain tall, pale and blonde englishman we all know and love."

Buffy was unable to surpress a giggle.

"I never spoke those words." Xander said worriedly as they entered the Bronze.

The smell of smoke quickly filled the Slayer's nose as they stepped into the room. The angry rock music was echoing off of the walls , giving a sort of eery effect.

Buffy felt a strong hand wrap around her shoulder. "Hello, luv." Whispered a familiar voice.

She spun around, coming face to face with the vampire...well not actually vampire. She reminded herself. "Hey Spike."

"Friends are over there." He nodded. Buffy searched the popular club until her eyes spotted Willow, Tara and Anya, all waving to get Buffy's attention.

Buffy smiled and waded through the crowd, Spike and Xander trailing behind.

"Hey guys." She smiled.

After a few minutes of friendly chatter, Willow's eyes brightened. "I'm going to get a drink. Anyone wanna come?"

As Tara and Xander stood, Anya remained sitting. "I'm good-Ow!" She said, bringing her shin in her hand. "Why'd you kic-Oh!" She stood up as the other three walked off.

Spike gave a low chuckle then looked directly at Buffy, his bright blue eyes entering hers.

"Wanna dance luv?" He asked, raising a scarred eyebrow. _Why does he have to do that_ Buffy thought to herself _My legs do the jell-o thing when he does that_

"No. I'm good. Gunna save the table, you go ahead." She nodded.

Spike took a few steps closer, until he was towering over her. He pressed his cheek to hers, "Not getting away that easily, pet." He whispered in a low voice. Buffy's eyes opened as he pulled away, she caught herself whimpering at the lack of closeness. She released the breath she had been holding. Spike chuckled again, gently grabbing her hand and bowing, never ripping his eyes away from hers as he slowly kissed her hand. "Please?"

Buffy shrugged. "Since you asked so nicely...What the hell." _Hey different universe, actual human, no harm no foul_ Buffy thought to herself.

The music had slowed as they entered the dance floor.

_I have a smile_

_stretched from ear to ear_

_to see you walking down the road_

Spike placed Buffy's hand into his own, reaching for the small of her back with his free hand. Buffy nuzzled her head into Spike's neck and sighed. Just for tonight she would know happiness. Normality.

_we meet at the lights_

_I stare for a while_

_the world around disappears_

Spike inhaled Buffy's scent. He was quickly drowning in her. As her hips swayed into his growing erection, he couldn't help but snake his lips up to her forehead, sweeping his lips across her golden skin.

_just you and me_

_on this island of hope_

_a breath between us could be miles_

_let me surround you_

_my sea to your shore_

_let me be the calm you seek_

Buffy did feel his lips move onto her, and she didn't care. This was a different Spike, and in the way...the same. The way he looked at her with desire and passion. That was real. The way he took care of her and Dawn. That was real. This moment, her eyes closed, knees feeling weak as she stayed pressed against his muscular chest. That was real.

_oh and every time_

_I'm close to you_

_there's too much I can't say_

_and you just walk away_

Spike slowly lifted Buffy's chin up to meet his face, his eyes lingered in her own for a moment. "Luv..." He started, but was quieted by Buffy's hand against his mouth.

"Shhh." She silenced him, standing on the tip of her toes she slowly brushed her lips against his. Spike's insides roared at the slightest taste of her. Vanilla and Carmel. Spike slowly opened his mouth, licking her bottom lip. Buffy's lips opened as well, granting access to Spike's probing tongue. Their tongues danced as they kissed passionately. The desire in Buffy made her head spin, she had to clutch onto Spike to keep from falling.

_and I forgot_

_to tell you I love you_

_and the night's too long_

_and cold here without you_

_I grieve in my condition_

_for I cannot find the strength to say_

_I need you so_

As the song came to and end, Xander looked up at Willow. "I knew it..." The group shared a smile.


End file.
